The Exhiliration of an Affair

"....most women don't want to turn a man down bluntly. Instead, we work out subtle ways of encouraging or discouraging each other that save face and avoid confrontations"

(The Sounds of Silence, Edward T. Hall and Mildred T.Hall)

London, September 24, 2005

There just has to be something with cheating that made you do it in the first place. I suppose it's the element of mystery and the constant pressure of being caught that makes everything so enticingly tempting to be involved in. In another way, perhaps it's the simple "what if.."which arrives every now and then between our worksheets and boring weekends. Sometimes it's the urge of getting that "Gone with the wind" feeling of having something you know you shouldn't have, and would never have in most cases. Or, at other times, it's just the thought that maybe committing to just one specific person will force you into missing something that you shouldn't have missed.

Whatever it is, we all know that affairs are present, and people are still doing it, so there must be something good in it somewhere. Mine with Paul, anyway, started innocently enough, and have now moved on to a living irony. At first it was just for fun, and almost being caught by Daniel made it even more fabulous and kinky at the same time. But as we moved on, and Paul got to know Lee, suddenly we shifted from having fun together to seriously questioning the significance of my initial relationship in all of this. And now, the persistency and eagerness wrapped in the easy but witty comments of that blue eyed American are pushing me against the walls. Suddenly, Lee and I are not perfectly alligned anymore; we are questionable. And I am obsessed with the affair. It's not in the sense that I always want to escape to the affair again and again, but it's more to the fact that it's occupying my mind with a lot of questions about where I should place myself. Interestingly enough, most of the mind-occupying came whenever Paul is not with me.

Because Lee is still in Newcastle and Paul is still in London, we went to Strawberry Moons to have dinner with Daniel and JT. The food was nice, and the place was too, as usual. But Daniel (despite his everlasting calm and sweetness) kept looking awkwardly at me and Paul. Anyway, JT looked so impressed with Paul, that they exchanged mobile numbers and set out to go to Number 3 this weekend. After dinner, Paul checked out my place,...looking like he was amazed with my appartment, I had to tour him around. It's funny how my simple little hut can appear to be such a precious castle for him. He didn't leave untill the next morning.

Whenever I'm with Paul, it seems as if enough is never quite enough. The end still has a special feature in store. There is still something more I'd like to say, something I'd like to do, something more about everything I'd like him to know, and so many more places I'd like to show him. There is just so much more to go through together, and I need to spend more time. He certainly thought the same, as he actually asked me to move with him to the States and leave Lee. There was when enough was a law I have to impose upon myself.

When Paul left I felt like crying, eventhough i didnt in the end. It wasn't because I was sad that he's going away, but I realized I was crying for the irony i have put myself into. A part of me was running after Paul, screaming about how it was to follow him wherever, and do whatever to be with him. A part of me (and a large one indeed) was strictly rationalizing my possition; my intolerable job, my carreer building, my friends, my personally owned appartment, Lee, London, and basically all the tiny things that i could never give away, not even for a person like Paul. Finally, I felt sorry for myself for putting me in this situation, and for phsycologically pushing Paul as away as possible as I'm trying desperately to do now.