And Chelsea Are Counting Their Days

when the match between Manchester United and Chelsea started yesterday, i didnt think that it was a match indeed, instead of an ordinary football game. Despite the fact that i guiltily cheered for Man United after their first half goal, the second half was spent holding my breath with my hands crammed on a friend's arm. Being a Londoner, i was suppose to be cheering for the blues and their charismatic captain, but my teenage senses won this match and decided that Man United was to proof Morinho wrong this time.
It was as if i had betrayed my home town, my land, the ground where i am stepping on and i didnt really care.

London Mid-week Nocturnal Excursion

A day with two of my favourite blonde guy friends and a redhead girl, and London is just another city to conquer. Where the end is near and the best is yet to begin our lives turn our steps to the inner corners of London town and release us to embark in our mid-week clubbing experience.
First stop was the usually yet still unfamiliar place that is Elysium. Here, one friend was recognized as a certain soap opera star, on which he just smiled and said if only the person had wished harder. I had always liked this place with its sombre lighting and decent bar, and of course the bizarre types of people I can bump myself into in it.
Next stop was a place called Harlem that a friend of mine likes to go to. In this New York scented place we were acquianted with fellow Interpol fans and Leeds United enthusiasts who thought that Rio Ferdinand was a sorry fag who cares to even betray his own mother. A certain Swede came up to us with an idea of where to go next. So, the next place to be relived was an infamous club in SW3 area with tight crowds and expensive drinks. We got through them with ease with a friend establishing connection with a footballer from one of the city's clubs, ensuring his way to a lot of other nocturnal experience yet to come.
In this club we ended our nights with people from the magazine, some yet-to-be acknowledged footballers, and folks affiliated in the business. The mid week clubbing turned out to be quite a solemn experience afterall.

The Repercussions Of An Affair

i never really thought it will come to this
i am always the strong, ignorant person who loves my boyfriend very much, despite what people might think of him.
But now, it seems that even the slightest reminisence of my Sweet Stranger an drive potential tears to my eyes. is it wrong to do so, because i know i have never intended this to be more than just an affair. Further more, i think i see the world evolving around my boyfriend, and everything beyond that is oblivion. But now, even the sound of my sweet stranger's name and his voice can drive a certain irony that can break me down if i let it to. and yet, he is of a nation that i perceived to be absolute children. it seems that he bears what for me a proof that everything i thought wrong and sinful was as beautiful as i can ever want them to be.

on the edge of the affair

this suddenly turns as a mess.
the last time i ever set too much thought on my Sweet Stranger was after i was sick, and my boyfriend thought i was pregnant. panickin on the idea that i might be a future mum, i called him out for a date, and we walked along the embankment near Charing Cross, waiting for the sun to set above the London Aquarium.
we then spent time talking about a lot of things, even about my boyfriend's presumptions. amazingly, it felt really really comfortable for me to talk about practically anything. he comforted my fears in a way that it didnt feel offending (like most people do), and despite thinking that he might justbe the father of the child i was pressumably carrying, he made my woorries seem unworthy. it's funny to say this now, but he has one of the highest conersation intelligence i have known so far. you know when sometimes you say something funny and the other person takes it seriously, and the other way around? that never happened with us. like a fitted puzzle, we converted in all the right responses,that it was just a nice conversation. it didn't even feel like we have slept together, as that time he was practically my best friend.
that's why when the time came to see him off to the states, i didn't really collapse in the loss. though it did hurt a bit to see those blue eyes looking helplessly at you as they pass the security check counters and you're at the bitter other end.
i got to thinking; is that there is to it? has it all come to this? is this the end,and afterward i will never see him again?
my sweet stranger told me no, and that he will be back to get me from my boyfriend.......i'd love to just imagine,...
i miss him now, as a very good friend. i hope this doesnt affect my relationship right now, but when i get call from him now and then, it can get weird.

Is Having Affairs Sinfull?

So is this it, now, am I cured?
Have I gone over you now, have I endured?
The struggling mind over the line
The stir inside your vacant eyes

Has it all come down to this now?
Another goodbye before the light before it stops
Must it all gone to the ground now?
Must I walk on from the instant drug?
Have his songs driven me down, now?
Cause his sights are telling me this is it, now, I can’t say that

Still can’t escape your daring blue
Which fall through the pain of you
So are you through without me, can you say
That you’ll be free without me, you’ll be okay

Though this will stay in the city
Crawl and tremble the inside of me
For everything was about your looks
And every word in the world you put
For everything was on what you said
And each line you got turning in my head





Why is it that a relationship needs that little twinge of fate, long geographical distance, series of shouting and finger pointing, socio-economic inequality, and yes, some other things that are affairs?

It seems that nothing can ever go smoothly in this round world of ours, and relationships being one of them. But to think about it, the rougher it gets, the tougher you’ll be in the end. In this case, relationships should be tested with the things said above to proof its efficacy against all odds. In shorter words, it’s what keeps the glue sticking on the both of you.
To my case though, an affair is proven times and times to be the most influential one indeed. It’s easy, it’s fast and disposable, and like effervescent aspirin tablets to your heavy headache, it can relief your relationship’s stagnancy. If affairs are that good, then why is it that people still regard it so badly? I mean, in the world where being gay is normal and threesomes are fashionable, why are affairs still a bad thing? Isn’t it just the same as going to another dentist without telling your own? In the end of the day you can only be reassured that your dentist stays the best in the city, or the exact opposite. If that dentist then suddenly decreases to second best, then your “relationship” needs a second thought.
Somewhat months ago, there was no doubt that even the most daunting of my half would resort to this kind of attachment to a person of such personality, thus, making it unbreakably exciting. But somehow, all of those conflicts and crisis failed after a series of family gatherings, alcohol related talks, loud shouts on mobile phones and a specific wedding. After what made it so daunting fell down, everything that played part suddenly became normal, and what was normal was also potentially boring. There was no edgy feeling anymore; no fear, doubt, no sense of mistrust, no blur between hate and love, less yelling and fighting, less wanting to throw each other with available utensils, and even less hesitancy. Suddenly, the daytime drama in us fades away.
I guess it was the constant need for drama and that twinge which got me into this mess again. Through an affair came real and present drama that can certainly make life more interesting. But then, once it’s come and gone, would your life be the dull transparent ice casing again?

most importantly, if the affair is halted by the departure of your affair partner like my case now as my beautiful stranger went home to his New York, does it even count as an affair anymore?

what could be the end

Saying goodbye should be easy for me. I had always thought that goodbye should be regarded as plain opening for what will come afterwards, and not specifically an end to whatever. I have always been a great believer that if two or more people are meant to be, then they will meet each other again.
But this one in Zaventem was not a goodbye as it should be. I knew that Paul and I were going to take the same plane together, all the way to London, but once we’re back to London, then we’re back to our own life again; me and my job and my Lee; Paul and his music and his friends. We were left with last minutes of each other. Paul had been offering constantly to move with him to New York. Despite the fact that it should be regarded as one of the most tempting offer a guy can give to a girl, but I have so many things tied under my name right now. Besides having a certain boyfriend waiting, I also have a demanding job, and a city I take as the center of my life. It was just never easy to leave all of this.

The Belgium Trip

Belgium had always been the comfortable warm place to run away to for me. My family lives there, thus explaining my familiarity to these grounds.
I didn’t have the chance to spend some time in Brussels, though, as I was rushed to a train to Antwerp as soon as I touchdown in Zaventem, Belgium’s Airport. Paul was already waiting there for me. I did only as much as order a cup of coffee and waffle in Brussels’ train station before heading straight to Antwerp on the speed train. Still clad with the same sets of luggage and clothes I inherited myself from London, we flashed our way through the peasant grounds and farmlands of Belgium. Paul was a darling, and a huge relief to witness. I can’t help and smile every time we set our eyes to each other. I wasn’t sure whether it was the sheer elation of having him on this train ride with me, or just the ridicule of his blue eyed boyish face that I should point out as the cause.
Antwerp Six was my next subject of study. The international Art Festival held in this city was of course not my first choice of things to report on, considering the fat that I could have gone to Paris and cover some debutant fashion shows instead. But it was fair enough; I got the chance to see Antwerp and Belgium again, and that really suits me fine. Besides, this way I can hold on to Paul a little closer without the fear of being caught by people we know.
It seems funny, but it did kind of feel like we were in our own world, thus we can hold each other and walk with each other freely as if we didn’t have whatever we left behind in London, New York, or wherever for a little while. It felt as if Brussels was all we know, and now had become our city. It was just great, I felt like I could stay in this already warm city forever, with the person I had besides me, of course. It really did seem like the thought of Lee never really succeeded to burst through my head. I didn’t think that it was wrong, but I was living a life that was not my own in those three days (instead of my work, of course).

Newcastle Menace

Touch down in Newcastle,

1st conflict with Lee, in a few while now. Suddenly, the question marks are coming from his direction. The focus was set on why I hadn’t wanted to move to Newcastle, and basically how absurd my reasons for this decision were.
Between the emotional upheaval and soul bleeding comments we threw at each other, the accusation of the existence of a certain ‘somebody else’ surfaced. Although the true me was already sentenced guilty for life in a mental prison, I stuck myself with the denial which suited me fine. To Lee, as a sweet and fragile Capricorn, the denial was a straight up self-revelation of guilt. I don’t know how that actually worked, but in the end he thought that he was guilty for my not being able to spend more time with him.
That time I really sympathize for him. He cares for me, and even at rare times when he didn’t exclaim it blatantly, I can see it through his eyes. I know my hobby of an affair is hurting him without us noticing, but it has naturally taken over my mind. I did think about the fact that it’ll be over once Paul returns to New York, though as now it is still happening, then it is still eating Lee slowly.
Throughout the times that I have been involved in a fight with a guy I’m involved with, I never felt quite the way I felt when I was facing Lee with a grimace. That time, I really felt like I’m brittle and breakable, and the worse thing was; there’s absolutely nothing I could do to change it. I felt as if the muscles under my neck can strain so hard that I’ll suffocate to death myself. If this were not the way to put it, then dying would certainly fit the picture. When Lee exited the living room to calm himself down, it felt as if the air inside of me suddenly ceases to exist, leaving me groping desperately for breath. At that point, all the success and the blitz and glory of my life faded behind the hopeless strive of finding the cure of my seconds of frailness; Lee. No matter how exciting or mysteriously fun my affair have been, I realize that the world would be a strange airless space without Lee’s existence.